She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
