I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
