I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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