Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have aggressive nipples.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
