mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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