sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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