matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
