he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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