It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
