defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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