I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
