Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
