It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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