I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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