I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
