I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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