took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
