we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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