I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
