New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
