oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
