i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
