This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
