and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
