my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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