it's like iHOP with fire
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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