Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize