i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
