I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
