If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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