i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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