some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
