my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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