I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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