In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
