Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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