final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
