I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
