she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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