I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
