You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
