I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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