Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
