my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
