The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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