he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
