I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
