I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
