Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
