I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize