I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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