I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
