In the future we'll all be gay
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sobbing to NWA
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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