Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
