We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
