mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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