I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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